Kazaam
Announcer: The Nostalgia Critic cannot be here right now due to reasons of vengeance, but he has left a recording before he left, for you to enjoy. "Previously Recorded" placecard NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to! To err, is human. TO MAKE THE WORST PEICE OF HALF-ASSED HORSESHIT TO EVER STAR A BAD-ACTING 7 FOOT BASKETBALL SUPERSTAR IS UNFORGIVABLE! Sorry, sorry, it's just...WOW is this one bad. I mean, you have NO idea. If this movie was a dog, I'd have it put down. If this movie was a car, I'd have it impounded. If this movie was a starving young woman who PLEADED with me for just a bit of my ham and salami sandwich, I WOULD KILL HER. ...alright that's a little dark, but you get what I'm getting at. That's the kind of hatred this movie has driven me to. (sigh) If you haven't guessed yet, I am of course talking about the whimsical and magical journey that is...Kazaam. Footage from the movie NC (voiceover): It's uninventive, unimaginative, and unbelievably retarded. NC: But hey, don't take my word for it! Let's take a look. NC (voiceover): The movie stars Shaquille O'Neal. The camera tries to move away from NC NC: Sit back down! NC (voiceover): Apparently back in the 90s, people thought if you could look in the camera and say "Drink Pepsi," you were considered a good actor. Kazaam: That's an insult! NC (voiceover): So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their newest family friendly romp. In the movie Shaquille plays- NC: (reading the VHS cover to the movie) And I'm quoting here--A rappin' genie with attitude, who's ready for slam dunk fun. (he spits on it) What they mean to say is it's a corporate write-off to make a quick buck to entertain mindless port-a-dummy kids who think because a man can make a decent free-throw, he can make a decent cranked-out movie like this one. The words "Note: Shaq's free throws actually blow chunks" come up on screen NC: But I digress. What's the movie about? NC (voiceover): Well, it opens up with a wrecking ball--no doubt a metaphor for the rest of the film--which knocks over a lamp which apparently holds a genie, which apparently falls over into a boom box, which I guess the genie decides to call his new home. NC: A genie in a boombox? Could this possibly be a musical romp? Oh, let's see if the film is so cruel. NC (voiceover): Alright, so we meet a boy named Max who apparently likes to walk around school and make faces at this mentally retarded kid. He's caught by some bullies who...spray paint him to the ground...(NC shrugs) and chase him all throughout the city of...New Bronxland. I love the scene here where he tries to escape the bullies through a fence. (mockingly) He went through a hole, what do we do, he went through a hole, what do we do (repeated several times) Oh yeah, go through the hole. NC: Seriously, a blind amoeba could figure that out! NC (voiceover): So they chase him into that abandoned building that was being torn down but...stopped being torn down for some reason...where he finds the boom box and accidentally unleashes the genie. Where in the myth does it say genies spin like Tazmanian Devils? A Taz face and sounds are played over the scene of Kazaam appearing Kazaam: AAAAAAH! Who dare to wake me? He starts rapping. I just...I don't have it in me to copy it all down NC: Really? This is that quote-unquote "rapping genie" they were talking about? I should let you guys know that there is a huge difference between rapping and rhyming. Rapping is this: Footage of a Notorious B.I.G. music video NC: And rhyming is this: I saw a duck...got a lot of luck...this movie is fuck, you see, it's very very different. Kazaam "raps" again, rhyming things like "wishes," and "riches" NC: Bitches! NC (voiceover): Kazaam tells Max that he's his genie. But Max doesn't believe him, imagine that, so Kazaam tries to show off his powers and- Kazaam produces some sort of magical energy and then implodes, or something NC: Wow. My wish actually came true. Max: Hey Kazoo...Kazoo? A picture of Gazoo from The Flintstones is put over the scene Gazoo: Right here dumb-dumbs! NC (voiceover): So Max goes home and finds out that his mother is getting engaged to a fireman who looks like Steve Guttenberg's even less talented brother. Fireman: Listen Max...I don't intend to take the place of your father. NC: I just wanna be the guy who humps your mother. NC (voiceover): He also finds out that his mother lied about his real father's whereabouts. It turns out he's actually located in the city. So Max decides to set out and look for him, hoping to rekindle some sort of sacred family bond. ...I guess they just abandoned the whole genie thing. It looks like they're gonna focus on the importance of unity and finding your family- ah fuck, there he is. Max: What are you, lonely or something? NC (voiceover): So Kazaam pesters Max until he decides to believe him and make a wish. Look at that shit eating grin, it's the same look he gets when he's advertising something. Kazaam: (holding an ice cream cone) Don't you wish you had one of these? The Baskin Robbins logo comes up over the scene NC (voiceover): Actually, am I the only one who's freaked out by this? A tall, bearded man with an evil grin is following a little boy around, offering him treats, and saying he can make all his wishes come true. NC: This is a family film, right? A clip from the creepy old pedophile from Family Guy plays over a shot of Kazaam NC (voiceover): So Max finally finds his real father, only to discover he's a musical talent agent working in the underground world of pirated music! NC: That bastardly slime ball! Kazaam: Who's that loser? Max: That was my father. NC (voiceover): (mocking Shaq) I guess I should have an emotion here. But I don't want to. (normal voice) So Max goes to his secret hideout, which is the room with all the stuff TGI Fridays DIDN'T want, and discovers you know who there. Here Max talks about his father and Shaq I guess just grins some more. Kazaam: Was that a wish? He smiles and a Pepsi logo comes up NC (voiceover): Rather than decide to move forward with the plot, they decide to have a pointless bike ride. Here the genie finally shows off his real powers. Kazaam raps while flying the bike around the room, ending on the word "stokin'" NC: You want this movie to be good, and I'm not jokin'? Grab yourself a joint and get to smokin'! No truer words have ever been spoken, you'll see much better once you've been tokin'! ...see, I can do it too, it's not hard. More scenes of the flying rap, with Shaq's face getting closer to the screen NC: OH MY GOD SHAQ'S GONNA EAT ME! Kazaam flies really fast and then disappears NC: Did Kazaam just go back to the future? NC (voiceover): He comes back, looking like a Cadbury egg dressed as Liberace, and finally convinces Max to make his first wish. But in rhyme of course! Max: I wish I had junk food from here...to the sky! Kazaam: Why not? Higher than high? NC: That's an understatement. NC (voiceover): So Shaq, as the all-powerful genie, literally makes junk food fall from the sky! ...but only the stuff he's promoted from past commercials. A Taco Bell logo appears as Shaq smiles NC (voiceover): So while munching on his munchies, Max comes to a sudden realization: Max: Until I make those last two wishes...I own you. Don't I? Kazaam: Technically. NC: So a white person owns a black person to provide services against his will without getting paid. There's a word for that, I can't quite think what it is...um, ownership? No no no no, that's not it, that's not it... The word "Slavery" slowly faded in over the shot NC: Um, possession! No no no, that's not what I'm lookin' for either. It's something along the lines of um, um... He looks down and sees "slavery" there NC: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?! Kazaam: That's horrible. NC (voiceover): So Max and his...well I guess there's no other word for it, slave! Go looking around the neighborhood to see if they can find his father again. At some point his pants fall, I don't know why, I guess it's supposed to be funny, haha, and they end up at his father's place again. Here they come across an intimidating bodyguard. Shaq smiles again and the VitaminWater logo comes up Bodyguard: This isn't a toy store, unless...you wanna play...(he puts out a cigarette in his hand) my game. NC: Of course, what they don't show you in this scene is his face right afterwards. Still shot of that guy, with a comical face superimposed to make it look like he's in pain NC (voiceover): So Max locates his father again and, as expected, he's a douche. Max's dad: Who let this kid in here, what is this, an amusement park? NC: Ahaha, amusement park. NC (voiceover): But once his dad finds out that he LITERALLY produced him, he changes his tone a bit. Dad: Hey everybody, quiet down quiet down, check this out. This is my boy, Maxwell Detoro. NC: Hey, how about that, I'm a deadbeat dad, who knew? NC (voiceover): So his father invites Max to his hot sexy nightclub, cause that's the perfect place for a 10 year old, where Kazaam starts to dig those groovy, funky beats. The rapper on stage calls Kazaam over NC: Don't encourage him, you'll just jiggy-jiggy regret it! Kazaam: What if they don't like me? Max: They already don't like you. Question is, what are you gonna do about it? NC: Sit down and hum quietly? Kazaam: Get set...for my tet-a-tet-tet. He raps again, NC puts his head down in shame NC: Oh come on, Vanilla Ice was blacker than this! Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it. NC: (shocked) WHAT?! Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it. NC: What is this, Seuss Doggie Dogg, I mean that's the STUPIDEST thing I ever heard in my life! That's something an INFANT says when he's just learning how to read! Dad: Never in my life have I ever seen something so stupid! NC (voiceover): Meanwhile we come across a guy who has thick eyebrows, so obviously he must be the villain. He's interested in the magic gold flashy stuff that comes out of Shaq's boombox. He quickly realizes that he's a genie and tries to use Max's father as a way of controlling him. Meanwhile, Max is back home sleeping when- Kazaam's hand comes and covers Max's face, and dramatic music plays NC (voiceover): Oh my God... The camera pans back, showing Kazaam in bed with Max NC: OH MY GOD! BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH! An alarm goes off, signifying the "bad touch," and NC picks up the phone to call the cops NC: Hello, 911? There's a tall man who's been stalking this kid, giving him treats and now he's touching him while in his bed and wearing his pajamas! HURRY! Max: GET OFF OF ME YOU PERVERT! NC: That's right kid, fight him, fight him! Max: (sniffing) Ah! You smell like hippopotamus butt! Kazaam uses his powers to start showering in the middle of the room NC (voiceover): OH MY GOD! The alarm and warnings go off again, NC is on the phone NC: Now he's bathing in front of him, there's no telling what he's gonna do next, HURRY! NC (voiceover): So after that bit of I don't want to know what, Kazaam comes out and introduces himself as Max's new tutor. Cause he really looks like your traditional egghead, doesn't he? He then indulges in YET ANOTHER pointless scene, in which he makes French toast fly. NC: That's sad, when the breakfast is the best actor in the movie. Kazaam: Yeah... NC (voiceover): He then goes outside to talk to Kazaam about how him and his father are not really connecting. Max: What's like the worst thing you've ever seen in your life? NC: Audience? Audience: THIS MOVIE! NC (voiceover): But rather than talk about their problems, Kazaam decides he wants to do something better: rap about them. He raps again, and NC becomes infuriated NC: You know, guys, I was thinking, rather than succumbing to what's in the popular norm, I was thinking you could have a REAL conversation. You know, nothing too deep, but I'm just saying that you know, this is a possibility. Maybe there's a deep personal pain that you don't want to acknowledge, that maybe you- Throughout, the rap has continued, so NC gets fed up, pulls out his gun, and shoots the scene NC: NOW TALK RIGHT! Max: I just wanna change things, you know? Make things different. Kazaam: You're talkin' bout a djinn. Max: Djinn? What's a djinn? Kazaam: A djinn is free. A djinn can do anything. Problem is, djinn only exist in fairy tales. And I don't believe in fairy tales. NC: Wait, what? Kazaam: Djinn only exist in fairy tales. And I don't believe in fairy tales. NC: So the genie doesn't believe in fairy tales. He moves himself really close to the camera NC: The GENIE doesn't believe in fairy tales. He repeatedly slaps the camera NC: HELLO!!!!! Kazaam: Somethin's wrong... NC (voiceover): Ah screw it, let's just move on with the flick. Max sees his father get beat up by senor thick brows and calls on Kazaam for his help. Max: KAZAAM! Max magically appears in a glass of water that Kazaam is drinking; NC looks confused, then Max actually pops out of the glass, which shatters, and Max is all wet Max: Kazaam, I gotta make a wish. Kazaam: What are you doin', get off the table! Max: Kazaam, I need a wish okay? Kazaam: Right now? Max: No, in 250 years stupid, I need a tape. NC: TIME OUT! What the hell was up with that glass of water thing? What, he was in a glass of water, suddenly BOOM! he's on the table, why did that happen? Is it like Super Mario Bros., is it like a Warp Zone, I mean what the- you know what? Forget it, fine, let's just move on, the movie will be over faster that way. NC (voiceover): So anyway, rather than help Max with is problem, Kazaam got a recording deal as a professional rapper, I'm dead serious. I guess his hit single I Can Jam With Sam I Am went straight to the top. Meanwhile, the bastard son of Mario and Saddam Hussein kidnaps the kid and takes possession of his boom box. He then gives the kid the shaft and summons Kazaam to his warehouse, where he demands him to do all his evil bidding. Kazaam is powerless to stop his new master. But wait a minute... NC: Fight it Kazaam, fight it! You can do it Kazaam, you can break free from the white man's chains! He does NC: He's gonna go Shaq Fu on your asses! He does that, too, with cartoonish "pow" signs coming up when he hits someone, except they say "Pepsi," "Gatorade" etc.; NC cheers him on NC (voiceover): And, in typical basketball all-star fashion, he personally slam dunks the villain into a garbage shaft. NC: SHAQGASM! T''he word Shaqgasm comes up on screen, and NC's voice is distorted to sound much lower than normal'' NC (voiceover): But, unfortunately, it's too late. Little Max, it appears, is dead. There's nothing to do now but mock this emotionally lacking moment with totally inappropriate music. And I Will Always Love You starts playing over scenes of Kazaam mourning Max. Kazaam: You're the only friend I've ever had. When you needed me the most...I wasn't there. NC: Yeah, you were a bit of a douche Kazaam. Kazaam: I just wish...I could've granted your wish. I wish I could've filled your heart. NC: Well, life's a bitch, and little kids die. NC (voiceover): Oh of course he doesn't die. Because Kazaam realizes the value of human life, or something like that, he is free from his bonds, and able to breathe life back into little Max. Kazaam: You're alive...YOU'RE ALIVE! He starts repeatedly kissing Max; the alarm and warnings go off, NC is back on the phone NC: He's kissing him! What more do you need?! NC (voiceover): So Shaq brings Max back to life, turns into...this thing, and reunites him back with his father. On top of that, he also becomes human, which means... Woman: (to Kazaam) You're gettin' a job! Kazaam: A job? (indignant shrug) NC: Hahaha, a job? He can't get a job, he's a genie! Hahahahaha...that's pretty out there! Hahaha...haha...ha...BITE MY HAIRY ASS! NC (voiceover): THIS MOVIE IS WRETCHED, A FESTERING SHACK OF SHIT! NC: If I had one wish, just one wish, it would be that this movie never existed! The screen fades whit to a magical chime, then fades back in NC: And that's why, I have no doubt, that Citizen Kane is one of the worst films of all time- He looks at the DVD, shocked, while the audience boos NC: No no no, there's another movie, it was called Kazaam. No no no, it had Shaquille O'Neal, he was a genie, I swear to God he was a rapping genie, he was in love with a kid- Gunshot NC: (frightened) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to...swear to God it was a genie, he was rapping to Dr. Seuss. After the credits, another scene of Kazaam overdubbed with the pedophile from Family Guy